I'm stuck in the tardis

Nothing exciting has happened in the last few weeks (save the title and release date annoucements for the harry potter book, oh and me grabbing a Wii). I'm just in one of those stages in between falling into a big pit of depression and clinging onto the rim of that pit with my nails.
But then again i walk a very fine line indeed. It's hard on the one hard to marshal my thoughts with rigorious force, only to have the voices make an unwanted enterance. The easy way of course would be to not bother to control my thoughts at all. Which would be bad because then i'd probably end up on the verge of killing myself again. I can't really explain why i have in the past gravitated towards suicide, but i think it has something to do with wanting to end the pain that is my head. That of course would the easy way out of my problems. However i love life, no matter how bad it gets, somebody somewhere will always give you something to smile about or think life ain't so bad really.

Now i know certain people out there cannot understand depression or why people who suffer from it cannot simply shake it off and cheer up.
It is a very complicated thing to explain. For example where most people would just shrug a negative comment off and carry on, somebody with depression will most likely take that as a personal insult or proof that they are worthless. It may seem trivial but the nature of the beast that is the depression is to use all those negative thoughts and emotions against you. So in reality you are fighting your own mind, while trying to juggle the world around you. It is always there at the back of my mind waiting to sieze upon a bad experince or a fear of something going wrong. Though there are ways of fighting it. They range from therapy to survival methods that people with mental health problems develop on their own. Some are successful, others aren't.
So here i am waiting for that moment when i cross the line and fall into the pit and then into a cage that will take me several weeks if not months to free myself from. My depression is evident to people online who have known me for several years and have met me. But i am able to fool most people (cept for my family) into thinking i'm grumpy. When all i want to do is scream because at least it would give me some small moment of rest from the never ending battle i fight in my head. So to top off the last few rubbish weeks another enemy of mine has decided to make a comeback. The voices i hear in my head, which are not that loud at the moment, but will progress to a stage where they sound like a detuned radio and occassionally coming into sharp focus.

I have way of dealing with them, which is to basically ignore them. Because if i do they cause me great emotional pain as one of the voices sounds like a person who was and still is very close to my heart.
But having said all that, i still have my hopes for the future. For if we do not have hope, then life is not worth living. Even if those hopes are foolish ones. Better to be a fool than a wise man who knows nothing of the darker side of life.

And on a positive note, i am looking forward to meeting all those who come to the UK for the deathly hallows book launch. Even though my social phobia is filling me with dread, the mere thought of meeting people who i have talked to about Harry Potter over the last few years is more powerful than those fears. I have rambled enough, which means it's time to get lost in music.