I'm stuck in the tardis

I've not met anyone intresting in the first few months of this year. I'm driving myself up the wall. I do need to walk around Oxford in the daytime, without any real direction. Like i used to. Because it clears my thoughts, while observe people. And yet i feel apart from them.
Not just strangers, but people i know and to a certain degree love.
I've never been able to feel like i am part of something. But when i truely care about someone, i will bend over backwards to help them.
I silence my whinging and listen to them. Few people can push me to my limit, but when i get pushed over it. I explode in anger and give them a piece of my mind. Which is sometimes laced with honesty.

I do not like letting people in. I have no concept of how to let people in. I have shut people out on purpose.
I did'nt brush my teeth because it kept people away from me, which is an extremely stupid idea. I will eventually have no teeth left.
Which will only give the enemies within my mind weapons in which to fill me with self doubt.

I don't really talk anymore online. I prefer to guard my secrets and not let anyone get close to the real Kevin.
Who likes to hide and then crush my enemies within, only to go hiding again.
I can remember a time when i was full of joy and not much bothered me apart from dinosaurs and transformers. But then the cloud of bullying and death overshadowed me. Then the pack of wolves that is depression slowly but surely sneaked up on me. Before i knew it, i was lost in the fog that is my thoughts and mind.

I have the tools to fight the pack of wolves. But i often forget that i have them.
I always hold myself back from making choices about my future.
My real problem in regards to the future is, i have never had any clue as to what i want to do as a career. I had ideas, but nothing ever concrete. I love writing when i can construct things into something that is understandable. I doubt i could be a writer. I just don't have the talent for it. I prefer working on problems. I see patterns in all forms of information. I can connect the dots in my mind if it were.
In essence i think too much and i do not live as i should. But what i don't want is to get stuck in a life that follows the norms of society ie being married and owning a house is the be all and end all of life as an adult.
That has been drummed into me at school. My dad doesn't care, because the only thing he wants to own is a motorbike, which in fact he does own. Maybe i should be brave and go on the back of it.

I'm afraid of letting go and making something of myself. I'm scared of the big wide world and being rejected by it, because i tend to not follow socially structed rules on how one should think or act towards others.
Life is the thing that everyone forgets about. They get wrapped up in problems and forget to live.
I do that often, but when i do feel alive, i have a balance that right now i lack.
Joshua, my nephew is the most important part of my life at the moment. I want him to do well in life and not fall into the traps i did.
Being honest with myself means facing upto the fact that i have done very little with my life so far. Apart perhaps from helping out the people i do care about, who i do let in a little bit.

I have too many thoughts crammed into my brain, and i have no control over them.

I want to become something better than i am.
But fear holds me back. I therefore need to find a way of using the tools i have to defeat this fear.
I do not fear death, as that is something that happens to us all, when our time comes. Don't fear the reaper.