I'm stuck in the tardis

I'm in a funny mood. But after reflecting upon this for quite some time. I have come to the conclusion that hate is not worth the pain it causes. Hate for me stems from within. That part of me that i do not want to acknowledge that exists. The part of me that wants to hurt people and cause pain. The only enemy i have is myself. Untill i can face upto that, then i shall remain as conflicted and confused as ever.
But no more. It is time to cast aside my fears, my doubts. And what i see myself as. A worthless piece of shit. I need to find that balance i had between my emotions and my intelligence. For only when those are are in balance, will i have peace. I used to have that balance once.
It was true that hid behind things. But of late i haven't. Fear held me back from making the changes i needed to make last year, which i managed with about two weeks before christmas. I do not know where i'm going or indeed how far i will get. No try, only doing.
As for hate, if you allow it to fester and grow inside you, then that hate takes over. The people you see as your enemies are not your real enemies. They are just burdens put in front of you, to allow the fear to take hold and control you. There is only one enemy and that is within. I have started to face upto that fear and hate. As for those who laugh behind my back or think i don't know what i am on about. Then in the past you might have been right. But not now. I feel it's time i cast aside what people want me to be or think i should do.
I no longer care if people think i'm wasting my life. But the thing is, i've always been curious about the world around me. And the people in it. I do not see people as mere objects of play or to hate. They are all part of the same dance. That dance being the one of birth, life and then death. I do not fear death. It will happen. Maybe not today, but one day. Hopefully in the distant future. But for now i'm going to rekindle my passion for knowledge and talking to people. Dislike is a word i use for those people that i do not find intresting and they probably think the same about me. But when i do care about something or someone, i do my very best to help them. Even if it means i have to cut them off and pretend to hate them. In the end we are alone. Facing upto the enemy within and the fear that helps that enemy gain the upper hand. The balance i speak of, is not far off. I have almost mastered the skill between allowing my head or heart. Or indeed both to guide me. Logic will only take you so far. The thing that i have observed over the years of my self enforced seclusion, is that people become obsessed with one thing. In some cases it might be an actress or a band. But music speaks to me, like nothing else can. Harmony is what music is. Even when things seem to be choatic, there is a certain beauty about music. As for films and tv ? They can teach lessons about certain aspects of life or to intrest someone in a person's work. But often times people become fixated on one person. They think this person can do no wrong. It is a nice fanatasy. But that is all it is. I have fallen into that trap once to often. If you cannot look upto yourself and face the enemy, then you become a mindless clone. Doing or saying what famous people do or for that matter following those who are demons in disguse. Leading people into war, while they sit and shuffle their papers around. I'm tired of mankind fighting one another, because "my religion is better than yours". If there is a God, then i doubt any of us, have done what God would have wanted us to become. Instead we fight amongst ourselves. And that will most likely be our undoing. However, in my mind God is something that the human mind cannot deal with. Which is why all the notions people have of God are most likely to be wrong. God is not male or female. God is everything and nothing, time does not flow as our perceptions show us.

This might sound like a lot of old twaddle. But i've been doing more than sitting in front of this computer being an idiot.
Thinking has always been my greatest strength and greatest weakness. I will have to be wary to not fall into the traps that are set before me and for that matter everyone. I'm not a hippy. I have my own views on enlightment. I believe there are clues for enlightment as people call it, through all cultures. It's just that we have to put those clues together in order to discover whatever this enlightment is.
Thank god that ramble is over. My brain does on ocassion show me insight into things, other times it misleads me. But i think i'm finally seeing what i have to do. Though what people want me to do, is probably the wrong thing for me at this time. One day i will do the things i may have to do. College is actually on the agenda for this year. Prehaps i will goto Uni, prehaps not. Who knows what the future holds or if there is a future. But it shall be intresting in finding out what happens. Turn the page.......