I'm stuck in the tardis

After 2 extremely good days, i had a hospital appointment at the JR. I need to have an operation to remove a sinus from the bottom of my spine. It's going to be painful and i shall probably not be able to go anywhere for a month or so. Which will probably drive me bonkers.
I will be put to sleep for the operation. But i do need to get this sorted out.

I'm writing things with a pen and paper once more. I find it easier to write with a pen and paper. It flows better than when i'm using a computer. I'm just feeling sad about a few things, which are unrelated to the past 2 days.

Anyway i'll be ok. I refuse to give into the monsters inside my head, who have ruled my life for too long. I'm going to be brave and get my life in order. The time for sitting on my arse is over. Computer exams, then trying to find a job are some of my aims for the next 3 years.
I just want to get reconnected with the world. I tend to feel like i don't feel part of anything, and that i'm something that should be locked away and never seen again.

Not the same feeling as the one where i feel totally empty and inhuman. Just extremely lonely.
Which is nothing new for me. I always end up driving the people i care about away.
It's partly due to the fact that i'm scared that if i get to close to someone they will ethier die or i will never hear from them again.

My emotions are all over the place at the moment. I always keep them bottled up when i get like this.
But i can't do that anymore. It's one of the reasons why i became withdrawn and not intrested in seeing people.
But on the other hand i cannot deal with the rush of emotions i feel.
I guess i never learned how to deal with them, i just locked my feelings away. As if they were something indecent, that i should'nt cry because i'm susposed to be this strong person. Which i'm not.

I fall apart at the slightest comment i think is mean or a snide remark about me.
This is when i get angry and lash out, then i feel remorse and get all upset.

I can't cope with all the shit that goes on in my head. I know what i want to be, it's just that everything else gets in the way.
I can start trying to put my life in order, then i'll have a little set back, and i'll hide from the problem.

I've had enough. All i ever seem to do is whinge about this that or the other.

I do sometimes show my good side towards those people i admire. I've always been a considerate person.
If i can focus on that persons problems then i can usually use my gut instincts and give them my views. Which they can ignore if they want to. I've just experinced things that most people probably would never have to go through. Though i'm well aware there are others who are worse off than me. I just get trapped in the fog that is my thoughts and voices in my head.

This is the place
Remember me?
I'm the face you always see

You've been stuck in a lift
We've been trying to reach you

This is the place
It won't hurt, it will not hurt

A smell of recognition
A face you barely loved
Empty all your pockets
Cos it's time to go home

I don't even recognise my own face sometimes, i wonder where all the years have gone, and how i've ended up this way.
I lost control 5 years ago, i thought i was on the right track in recent years. But i feel as if i'm back in that bad place again.
Sqaure one if you will. I just wish i could have done things differently a few years ago. But i know from painful experince that if you live in the past, you miss out on the present and future. In essence you don't grow into the person you should be. But become a twisted version of yourself. Elements of the real Kevin show themselves occasionally, like with Christy, Racquel, Julia and a few other people. The rest of the time i just shut myself off from people and project the image that has protected me, but also stopped me from growing into the person i should have become, and the person i can still be.
I am hopeful for the future. If you lose hope in life, then there is no point in living. I however don't feel that way, nor do i want to rob people by killing myself. I guess my mum and those people i've met through out my life would be upset and angry with me. If i did take my own life. But i believe i can become something. Using the strength that i barely acknowledge when people comment upon it.

Where i go from here is anyones guess, i just need to find something that will enable me to find my way. I will then be able to walk unafraid across the path that is life.