I'm stuck in the tardis

Shadows of memories.

Sitting alone with my thoughts, i can see shadows of memories long since buried.
Those memories which have such a powerful pull on me.
The memories which remind of times when i have been dying with the pain of losing people who were close to me.
Simple memories that should be joyful, turn into weapons of that tormentor in my head.

Running away from those memories is like running from my past. A place i do not wish to revisit, but as much as i try to run away. The shadows reclaim me. I am instantly transported back to that day when the wind was knocked out of my sails. The day when my world turned dark and i become the recluse i am today.
The day on which my grandmother died. I can remember it clearly.
I was with my friend Steven as usual, we were going to muck around in a shop on a games console. But my dad was at a telephone box and he told me to get home.
I entered the house to find my mum on the sofa in tears. She told me that her mother and our grandmother had died. She had raised the alarm earlier in the day, because my grandmother hadn't answered the phone. My cousin David and his father went to the house. David found her dead on the sofa. My mum then went to the village to see things for herself. She had come back in time so she could tell us the news.
I cannot describe how i felt. Because to be honest i was numb with shock and to a certain extent i remain so to this day.
It took about a week for the funeral to take place. The day came, and i was determined to be strong for my mum and not shed any tears. I guess i should have. But i just sat in the church in numb disbelief staring at the coffin. I remember a cousin berating me for not crying. I wasn't really listening to her. I was remembering things my grandmother had said to me over the few short years that i had known her. All the things she had done for not only me, but for her grandchildren and her own children.
The last thing i remember about that day was throwing dirt onto her coffin and shuffling off to the village hall for her wake.
My troubles began with her death. I don't think she would have wanted me to have made the mistakes i have done or to have reacted to her death in the way i did.
But my world came crashing down around my ears.
My dad has his own way of dealing with death, but he did not really help me with getting over my grandmothers death. My Mum has tried her best to help me through the bad times. But i don't think she or my dad understand me.
This is about the millionth time that i have written about this subject. I guess i am still trying to come to terms with my grandmother's death.
I am a cold human being on the outside, i rarely let people get to know that sensitive and inquisitive person that lurks beneath all the pain. I am afraid of letting people get close. I do not feel as if i can truly care about people in an open way, least they get taken away.


I am the key to the lock in your house
That keeps your toys in the basement
And if you get too far inside
You'll only see my reflection -
Climbing up the walls by Radiohead, copyright EMI etc.