I'm stuck in the tardis

Knowledge equals no life.

The fine line that i tread is intoxticating for me at least. The lure of gaining a better understanding of a problem vs the slow descent into the abyss that is my mind.
The line i walk is something that presented itself to me a long while ago. When my brain was still developing.
I decided to explore this part of myself. Because at the time all passion for life had passed from me.
I could still feel the emotions of hate and pain.
That is all i seemed to understand for a long while. Logic became my friend.
But without emotions logic is a lonely road to take.

Emotions and logic are related. In an extremely subtle way. People who profess to be entirely logical in their methodolgy are liars.
Emotions always come into it. The lust for ones own sense of self worth about being right about something always comes into play.
This leads one down the path to arrogance and a lack of understanding about the world around you.

Everything else is becomes white noise. Factors to be judged or ignored.
People then get hurt.

But one can pull oneself out of this state of mind.

I have never believed in fate, but that which we make on our own.
Events present themselves as tests of character and courage. They are not fated to happen.
Every choice one makes leads to this events.

I learned from my mistakes. I remembered what it was to feel connected with human beings.
To feel the passion for life once more.

I am however still alone. I do not feel as if i belong anywhere.
My mind is cage sometimes. And at other times like now i reach perfect moments of clarity.
I am able to see patterns in information, using my imagination to find a solution to a problem.
Thinking in essence like a child. Like the 8 year old i once was. The inquestive Kevin.
The one that was so full of joy.

But then as life often deals a person. Pain and hate come into being.

I reacted to these emotions, by blocking them out.
Or so i thought.

I had forgotten that one loses all hope for the future that you becomes that which you try to avoid.
The enemy within strikes like a pack of wolves, devouring what makes you human.
Making you into something you were never meant to be.

But as i looked into the mirror i realised once more, why i liked living.
I started to regain my ablity to use my emotions with my logic to solve problems.

Now the hard part comes. Rebuilding that which is fragmented.
That which the enmey within tried to put down. But never quite managed to finish the job.

Hope gives me strength to fight on. Hope makes me believe that there is a better future for me.
Time is a funny thing. It does not flow in a straight line. I suspose it is beyond human understanding.

We are all cogs in a great wheel or clock that is humanity.
The clock for mankind might be running out.
But i have hope that we can rise above the current system of economics and promotion of the self above others.
That we can better ourselves and perhaps explore our solar system and then beyond.

But it will be a long and hard road, that i will probably not see the end of. But i have hope that whatever i write may mean something to other people.
Take what you need and develop from there is a good bit of advice.

I maybe fucked up. I may appear to be arrogant.
I might appear to have no intrest in people.

But i am waging a war inside my mind. Between what i know i can be and the enemy within, the pack of wolves. Who are waiting to finish the hunt and claim another victim.
But i will not allow that to happen. I will overcome this problem.
Even if it takes the rest of my natural days. Life is like the flash of light you see in a thunderstorm. You blink and it's gone.
I have already wasted enough of my time on the feelings of hate and pain.

It is time to step up or fall into the abyss.

Though one who stares long into the abyss must be careful not to become the monster which you are fighting.

This has been a moment of clarity for me at least. I don't expect anyone to understand. I frankly don't mind if you think i'm bonkers or trying to hide behind my depression.

I have never hidden behind it. It has worn me down and made me a prisoner in my own mind.
No longer will i allow that. I have looked into the abyss, i did not like what i saw.
But i shall will myself to overcome the things which i did not like. And fashion myself a new mind out of the ashes.
Like a phoenix the real Kevin will rise from the ashes.

Kevin Paul Taphouse
started on 1st of June on some paper, completed on the day and at the time which follows
06 June 2005
04:26:01 AM