I'm stuck in the tardis

This is another attempt at explaining depression or at least how it effects me on a personal level.So a typical day for me ? I will break it down into several parts.

Morning -

I usually wake up more tired than when I went to sleep, my mood is extremely low.

All the thoughts I had pent up the previous flood into my mind, which causes more frustration for me. This then feeds into the depression and vice versa. It takes me an age to get myself into gear, if it all. I get dressed, wash if I remember (that reminds me I stink and need a bath), have a drink. Reach for a book or the TV remote and sit there with my thoughts not really taking in what's appearing on the page or the screen. Then I will get very hungry very quickly, which on certain days means I will eat everything I can get my hands on. This is a distraction from what is going on inside my head. Other times I will barely touch food, only eating enough to stop the hunger pains.

Early Afternoon-

By now my brain is usually working at full speed, I can process things from the outside world a lot better. I fight back the feelings and thoughts of the morning. Or things carry on as in the morning. On my good days I put my energy to good use. I read up on subjects I'm passionate about. I never want to stop learning, be it academic or about others or myself. Sometimes I will pick up my camera and snap pictures, noting the composition, mistakes and looking for areas of improvement all the while getting to grips with things like depth of field or how to get the best out of the light at the time.

Late Afternoon – Early Evening

Usually I'll have lunch or a snack around 3pm. The dark thoughts then start appearing, I feel tired and I start to grind to a halt. This is when the battle begins.
I have to force myself not to think of certain people, bad memories and the ever present danger of suicide. That particular danger is a life long battle I feel. My depression gets so bad I lose all concept of why I'm here and what my goals are (I have detailed goals in my head, but I do not like putting them onto paper or on the screen. I am an intensely private person most who know me have barely scratched the surface and I like it that way). It's really tough trying to fight suicide and also try to figure out what to do with my life.That is part of the daily struggle I face and saps a lot of my energy. I try to distract myself with things like computer games and the internet while this is going on. Sometimes it works and sometimes it fails miserably

Night -

So while the programmes my family love to watch are on, I'm in my room reading.

Ah reading that is one of the things that has saved me and continues to save me from pushing my self destruct button (imagine it to be a big red button that should never pressed).

This is just as dangerous as the morning and late afternoon. My emotions are usually boiling over and I get short with people on-line, poke fun at them or just say nothing. I think that is my way of screaming at the world. Though really I feel utterly powerless when I'm in the grip of depression. So after the family have gone to bed, I sometimes watch TV to watch programmes ranging from documentary's in the history channel to Family Guy. If I'm watching the history channel it means my brain is switched and ready to learn something new. If it's on family guy I'm looking for comedy to ease my pain.

Now how does Depression fit into all of that ?

Well it's the glue that holds all the negative aspects of myself together, the driving force that pushes down the positive things. So how do I have good days ? Quite simply a voice comes through loud and clear and sweeps everything away. I feel energised and ready for anything. Then as soon as it comes it usually goes, though if I'm lucky it might last for a few days or a week. It is those times I hold on for.

Most of my time is stuck in a battle with myself. There is a misconception among people that you become depression. But I beg to differ, you do not become something that is already a part of your core being. Yes it may gain the upper hand, but there are always better days around the next bend of the road that is life.I doubt that's really explained anything, but that is my basic day. Though if I were to explain everything that goes on in my head I'd need to write a book. Which I guess isn't a bad idea, even though it would be a crap book, it would probably help me deal with things.

And there I will stop for now I am starting to ramble. I do love a good ramble, i repeat words quite a bit.