I'm stuck in the tardis

The great unknown, also known as my childhood.

I tend to look back on my childhood as a time when i was into everything and then everything stopped.
To work out where that happend, i have to go back to my earliest memorys. But i don't remember everything, my memory is very poor where my personal history is concered. I can learn facts, understand them and then remember them. But when it comes down to my personal memorys. That memory is poor.
Or i just block things out which leads to me getting angry over stupid things.

My earliest memory is of a birthday party for one of my cousins. It was held in my grandmothers back garden (which was pretty large).
It was full of kids from the village, my other two siblings (rachel was ethier not born or a baby back then) and cousins.
It was a fun time. My Grandmother pulled out all the stops, even her brother Fred behaved himself (alcoholic, used to smoke dried tea leafs apprently).
My Grandad as i knew him for most of my life was very quiet and not to be approached unless my grandmother was within earshot or other adults were around.
He was an ok Grandad i guess. Well he was only the Grandad i knew, my dad's mother saw to it that we had nothing to do with my dad's, father.
I don't look back on that really. Prehaps i would have got a better understanding of my own father had i known his. But i digress.
Things started to change because of a recurrent theme if you will in my life. And that theme is death.
My cousin Sharon died when she was just 18 years old (i was 5 or 6 then) and my uncle died, young from a heart attack at 35.
One minute they were there and the next they were gone forever. My memorys of those times are confused.
But i remember visiting my uncles grave after he was buried. It snowed. My mum was very upset.
I just plodded along, hiding behind the sofa when The Hulk came on. I don't know that Green man scared the bejesus out of me.
Then Dr Who came and i got into scaring myself. Which is probably why i laugh during the exorcist and at some parts of the Evil dead films.
Speed up a little to New Hinksey First school, i was bullied from the moment i went to that school. But i was the kid who did'nt say much and had his head buried in books about dinosaurs. New Hinksey was probably the only school i liked.
Then we moved in the late 80's to where we live now, which set things in motion that have made me paranoid to this day.
Isis came, that was even worse, i could no longer hide behind my books. I was to be found one day in 1993 a year after my grandmothers death, crumpled in a heap crying. Because people started taunting me and the pain of my Grandmothers death was all too raw for me to handle.
My Dad's view on death is a bit of mystery to me. He just says he has his own way of dealing with it. My dad it has to be said has been very good to me.
We just tend to get on each others nerves a lot and have slanging matches over things like what is snow made out of hehe.

Then i got mugged and my world was really shaken to it's core. I was exposed to the nastier side of life. I don't blame my mum for over protecting us, she just had an even worse childhood than anyone else i know, including me. Speed up to 1994 and St Augustines. It started off well, i made some really good friends there.
Those being Stuart (not the star trek geek), Ashley, Humberto, Barry, Damien, Lally, some fellow science group pals, the mountain bike club and two of my oldest childhood friends, Gary and Paul. Who have to be said are not that bright. But they are nice people.
Things went downhill. The pressure of being the intelligent child got to me. I was under so much pressure from my parents to teachers. That i just buckled under the strain. I stopped going to school (which is the hell i put my mum through), even when i was there i did'nt pay much attention unless it was chemistry.
I went to the parks hospital for teenagers, did'nt get much done there. My Dad got angry and never took me there again (he is an intensely private man).
The bullying however was too much, hence me not going to school. I just gave up on everything. Death was tormenting me. I could not get close to anyone, for fear of them dying. Though what really fucked my exams up was the death of the person who gave me the lust for knowledge i still have to this day.
My Great Uncle Les had a stroke. I knew that he would never be the same person again, which was a hard thing to deal with. My greatest fear is losing my sense of self, thats part of why i do not fear death. But what really sent me into a tail spin of depression was the way my grandmother treated Les. It was nothing short of mental abuse. Even worse than physical abuse in this case. He was reduced to a pathetic form of life. Eating, smoking, pissing into a bottle and shitting his pants if he wasn't got to his thing in time. He did have some breaks from that. But not often. The last time i saw him, he looked even more remote from the person i knew. There is no easy way of saying this, but he was bleeding rather badly out of his back passage. The smell still makes me feel sick to this day. He got taken to hospital, where he died. I was angry at my dad for a long time over him not letting me see him in the hospital. But thinking back now it was for the best. My Grandmother (the other one) got into her head that the doctors were killing him and then accussed them of it when Les finally died (it was a release for him i think). The Funeral came and she stood up during the service shouting to my mum, that she'd seen her mum and dad etc.
As soon as the service was over, i went wondering around that Graveyard, where i stumbled across Tolkiens grave. I had read LOTR and the Hobbit before, but i wasn't really intrested in it. But something weird happend and i started reading Tolkiens works on and off ever since then.
Back to the tale, my grandmother at my great aunts home carried on ranting. She had a go at Shane (Sharons little brother), and he stormed out and hasn't really spoken to her since. From that point on i just ignored her, mainly out of hate and mainly not wanting her to go ballastic like she often does.
I did my GCSE's, went to college and everything from childhood started to blow up in my face. Bottling things up is not good. It only leads to the situation i found myself in one cold night in 2001. Pyramid song has special meaning for me. "jumped into the river" is the clue as to what i nearly did.
Certain words from a certain person stopped me jumping into the river. But the thing that has kept my going through out my life is the sheer force of will that i seem to have. It keeps me going, even when i'm in a state like i'm in now. 6 weeks without a bath and crying over stupid things.
I'm slowly waking up from this. But it happens too often. I just cannot for the moment keep my mind clear.
I do have goals in life. But what those goals are my secret and people will not notice them untill i've achived them. I take my time on most things.
This is no different.
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I have omittied a few things from this. But if i went into the details then it would be an even longer piece.

Now i goto bed and dream of better days, and the better days that are yet to pass.
I'm cookin today.