I'm stuck in the tardis

Running at the speed of light or better known as avoiding things i really should'nt

So i'm back in the place i hate to be. Trapped with just my thoughts and voices to keep me company.
Which would have been enough a few years ago, but not anymore.
I have a plan to write a book about myself, using various sources of information. Mainly my medical notes from my

teenage years, so i can jog my memory.

Which means i will most likey have flashbacks to those memories that i have managed to block or supress.
They are never far away though, they bubble under the surface. Trying to catch me off guard.
But i really can't block those memories from my mind anymore. I have to face the fear of my past in order to move

forward into the future. I have a madcap plan to get the IT industry exams and then work my way up through the

different ranks. I really dislike sitting at computers all day. I've used computers for so long, it's like second

nature to me, but it does get extremely tedious at times. Theres only so many times i can read forums and post in

them.

In essence i'm easily bored. Which makes me lazy with academic studies. I have the intellect to do the work required

and to pass exams. But due to a case of wanting to do other things (like gain even more information about the world

of science for example) i tend to forget about a project that needs to be done. Which is why i really don't think i

could handle uni, untill i gain some form of control over my tendency to get bored easily.

So it comes back to me hiding from my memories. If something happens that scares or makes me angry with myself. Then

i tend to block the memories of the events out. Which leads me to bottle my emotions and anger up inside.
I then explode into a fit of rage, which is really not me. I turn into a complete and utter arsehole for a better

word.

This is probably why i find it hard to keep friendships going. I may appear to be shy, but that is just another way

of protecting myself from the reality of my feelings towards certain people.

I value friendship above everything else though, which is probably one of the reasons why i haven't really had a

girlfriend before. At the moment i don't feel the need for one. Socially i'm pretty useless, always have been.
Being shy has it's advantages, people don't tend to talk to you much. Which gives me ample time to listen to what

people have to say in person, so that i can obverse the way they say things and watch the body langauge.

I can almost always tell when something is up with someone i've known for a while. It's a sixth sense. But i'm so

wrapped up in my own problems, that when i do try and be nice to a person, it sometimes comes out wrong. In fact i

sound like an uncaring idiot, who thinks he is a special person. I'm not special in anyway. I am just Kevin. Who

likes to write a whole range of things. From writing up rubbish storys or fanfics to writing stuff like this.

Another thing i avoid, are compliments about my intelligence. I generally don't see it as anything important. My

view is that people have a lot of other gifts besides intellect. And some people who may be considered to be stupid

or average, have a much better grip on themselves than people who possess large amounts of intelligence.
That breeds arrogance in some people and not being able to understand people with a lesser intellect.

I am not really a genius. I just have a few skills that when combined enable me to get things done. I am an

excellent person for drawing up plans (though i hardly ever follow them through these days) and i can see how a

problem could be solved, by applying a methodical approach to the problem at hand, using logic when useful.

Sometimes i just go with my gut feeling and hope for the best. In fact when i'm reading a book ie Harry Potter, i

can see how each tidbit of information links together. In fact as i have said before, i see patterns in information.
Nothing as cool as being able to see colours in my head when i hear a fact etc I just imagine a web, and see all the

links forming, and which bits of information branch off, and the branches that are purely guesswork on my part.

I really don't feel any self worth, people who praise my ablitys often make me feel like they are taking the piss

out of me, because i am a stupid person. Other times i feel ok.

I must sound like an arrogant twat for writing that, but it's hard to explain the inner workings of my mind. I don't

fully understand them myself.

And for the record, i have never really known what i've wanted to do with my life. I've had fleeting ideas about

jobs. But i hate doing mundane tasks like cleaning (may explain my aversion to baths hehe), it numbs my brain.
But i don't see these things as being beneath me. When pushed i will do things.

I just the self confidence to do things. I used to have it. Then i lost it, due to may experinces which i shall talk

about in this book i'm trying to write. Which is mainly to help myself get better. I don't expect it will be that

intresting, besides the people who know me, and may want to see if they can figure me out. For i am a master of

creating false images of myself to people. I know how to push peoples buttons, which has got me into a shedload of

trouble, which ironically are the memories i try and block out.

I don't feel as if i have any friends at all. Well i have a few, but i've probably bored them to death by now.
And i used to talk to many different people when i was a young boy. The innocent years i guess, before i learned

just how cruel people could be towards themselves and others.

But i realised recently, that the only person who can save me from a life of being a lazy bastard, is myself. And i

will have to make a lot bold and brave choices. The first of which is to relearn how to interact with people in the

real world. And to close my mind to those people who really have nothing valid to say. But just say things that they

know will drive me bonkers. I really should'nt waste my time on those people. But i do have a compassionate side,

which is a good thing really. As in this day and age, the only things people care about are the things that are easy

and instant. I think the western world has lost the art of compassion in the sense of taking action where needed ie

african countries gripped by famine. The Western world has it's faults, most of which drive me mad. But other

cultures have just as many faults. Which is why i get extremely annoyed with Muslim leaders who say one thing and do

the other. Islam is not the greatest religion on this earth. In fact the only religion that i would consider to be

great is Buddishm. I don't see followers of that religion starting wars over pieces of land that are worthless or

try and convert people through violent means. Christians and Muslims are guilty of that. Christians and Muslims

often tend to feign deafness when certain aspects of past actions are brought up, and use their holy books to

jusitfy the actions they take. Which is why i dislike organised religions, that causes immense suffering to people

caught up in violence, that has nothing to do with them. My own view on religion is that people should be allowed to

follow their own path, but not to try and force their views on others, or to follow a religious leader with the rest

of the flock. Religious nutcases can try and convert me, but their ranting will fall on deaf ears. I have my own

ideas about the universe or i should say the multiverse (oh how i love quantam physics).

Kevin Taphouse 23/08/2005.