posted by ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
taperoo2k at 02:30am on 23/03/2005
taperoo2k at 02:30am on 23/03/2005A confused pebble in an ocean of thoughts.......
That is me right now. Too much information to process. Too many things to think about.
Not enough control over my thoughts. Unable to control myself.
Unable to comply with what i aspire to be.
Unable to make any sense.
Unable to cry.
Unable to feel anything.
Unable to be Kevin.
All i want to do is feel emotion of any kind.
But i am unable.
Too many confused thoughts all fighting for my attention.
Then the things that i hate start to surface.
From the places in my mind that i shut off.
I put up barriers to stop them.
But the Barriers fail.
And then they come for me.
Wicked. Evil. Makes me do things that i am aware of doing, but feel powerless to stop them.
Waiting for the inner power to surface and gain control.
But i am without a sense of self, in the ocean of thoughts.
I have no reference to look for.
I am lost and the scared 11 year old once more.
Who's world was shattered one fateful winters day on the way home from school.
Too much information. Too many memorys i have locked away. Are returning.
No control. I cannot understand who i am.
A sea of conflicting images.
A sea of information.
That i am unable to process.
Unable to understand.
The key is lost to the lock that leads to the real Kevin.
The things are gaining control.
I am not me anymore.
I have no control.
I do not care.
I cannot cry.
I cannot love.
I cannot be myself....
Lost...... waiting to find who i am once more.
Trying to rebuild what remains of my shattered brain.
But always being dragged back.
Becoming that which i dislike.
The thing that has no thrist for life.
The thing that hurts people who really don't deserve it.
I need the key to the pandoras box.....
The key is what i need.
And then i will find my sense of self, for real.
Untill then i am unfeeling as the dead.
Prone to feeling sorry for myself.
Prone to dislike people.
Prone to being the very thing that i hate the most about the human condition.
Selfish and unkind to others, who might deserve it.
The enemy i face is within, holding onto the key.
Kevin Paul Taphouse (2005)
That is me right now. Too much information to process. Too many things to think about.
Not enough control over my thoughts. Unable to control myself.
Unable to comply with what i aspire to be.
Unable to make any sense.
Unable to cry.
Unable to feel anything.
Unable to be Kevin.
All i want to do is feel emotion of any kind.
But i am unable.
Too many confused thoughts all fighting for my attention.
Then the things that i hate start to surface.
From the places in my mind that i shut off.
I put up barriers to stop them.
But the Barriers fail.
And then they come for me.
Wicked. Evil. Makes me do things that i am aware of doing, but feel powerless to stop them.
Waiting for the inner power to surface and gain control.
But i am without a sense of self, in the ocean of thoughts.
I have no reference to look for.
I am lost and the scared 11 year old once more.
Who's world was shattered one fateful winters day on the way home from school.
Too much information. Too many memorys i have locked away. Are returning.
No control. I cannot understand who i am.
A sea of conflicting images.
A sea of information.
That i am unable to process.
Unable to understand.
The key is lost to the lock that leads to the real Kevin.
The things are gaining control.
I am not me anymore.
I have no control.
I do not care.
I cannot cry.
I cannot love.
I cannot be myself....
Lost...... waiting to find who i am once more.
Trying to rebuild what remains of my shattered brain.
But always being dragged back.
Becoming that which i dislike.
The thing that has no thrist for life.
The thing that hurts people who really don't deserve it.
I need the key to the pandoras box.....
The key is what i need.
And then i will find my sense of self, for real.
Untill then i am unfeeling as the dead.
Prone to feeling sorry for myself.
Prone to dislike people.
Prone to being the very thing that i hate the most about the human condition.
Selfish and unkind to others, who might deserve it.
The enemy i face is within, holding onto the key.
Kevin Paul Taphouse (2005)
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