I'm stuck in the tardis

So I’m sitting here listening to music and thinking about my place in the world.
What is my place ? To be the fearful person who never does anything out of fear of failure.
Or the person who grabs life by the horns so to speak.

People have often remarked upon my strong will power. The ironic thing is, I used to be able to use that power to make myself do things I was afraid of i.e. doing my best during cross country runs in PE, even though I was coughing up half my lungs (my asthma had not been diagnosed back then), to standing up to people who disliked me because I was the odd kid who didn’t want to try smoking but spent his lunchtimes reading or trying to play football quite badly.

But as my mental health problems progressed that strong sense of will power was shifted into fighting the depression, it has taken a lot out of me. I know this will sound like I’m whinging, but the point I’m trying to make I guess is that I have had to redirect my energies into surviving the onslaughts that are partly self inflicted and part of my stodgy brain chemistry (it’s like custard).

I have now decided finally that psychology is the subject I want to study. I’ve been having second thoughts about it. But even if I don’t get a job out of it, it may well help me come to terms with who I have become.

When I was 13 I saw myself as a chemist or in some other scientific job. But the events over took the dreaming and reality is very different to those dreams.
I have such a distorted view of myself I tend to ignore things and focus on the bitter memories a little to often.
When I look in the mirror I see a person who is weak, prone to getting upset over the smallest of things over people would find silly, and an over riding hatred for the person staring back at me from the mirror.
I am a perfectionist, things have to be just right. Otherwise they feel all wrong in my head and I get snappy at people. I also tend to focus on things a bit more online, sometimes rambling (like I am now). Which is another part of myself that I hate.
It has been remarked by a lot of people of how well I look and that I must be feeling ok inside.
I am in utter chaos inside my head, I’m being ripped apart on all sides I.e. voices, thoughts and the repetitive thoughts I always seem to get when I’m talking to people online.

I enjoy meeting people that I feel I know quite well. Even if I don’t say much, it makes me feel alive.
But therein lays the problem. Fear keeps me inside my head and my bedroom, while the mere hint of social engagement fills me with fear, forcing my self imposed exile from the outside world.
This sounds completely fucked up, and I know it is.

I do have a plan of some kind to get myself out of the rut. Basically it consists of:
1. Open University
2. Degree in psychology
3. Trying to spend more time outside and away from the internet.
4. Fixing relationships with my nearest and dearest (as I have been a bastard of late, meaning the last few years).
5. Figuring my place in the world.

I’m just in a real state at the moment, thoughts are awash with the voices and I cannot separate the shadow from the light.
I am feeling suicidal, but not as bad as I once did. I know if I killed myself, it would prove just how weak and utterly stupid as a person I was. I want to be more than that.
I will tell this to professor geddes or at least try to tell him in terms that he can understand.
And for the last time I have not become my depression, it is part of me. But it will not control my actions forever. I want to break free and do something with my life, before it runs out.