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taperoo2k at 05:17am on 21/11/2006
taperoo2k at 05:17am on 21/11/2006I'm so very bored of life at the moment. Not to the degree where i want to get silly and try and jump into the river again (stupid kevin).
I'm just not feeling much of anything. I spend so much time restraining those craptastic thoughts i also crush my emotions to the point, where i seem unable to connect to them or to other people.
I go through long swathes of time like this. Then i will see or hear something that allows me to reconnect with the emotions or a person. Then i get sucked back down again.
I don't want to be like this, but i know nothing else. Sounds like i'm making excuses. But i'm not really.
I have clear goals, it's just that i'm hazy about the career i want. Until i can figure out that bit, those clear goals remain just out of reach.
My clear goals are:
1. Clear my debts
2. Move out of home
3. Try and gain some form of social life
4. Maybe try and get a date, which might lead to something.
5. If i find a woman made enough to have my babies, i want to have a family.
6. Die a very old and reasonably happy old man.
Well maybe 6 is pushing it a bit. I don't think i'll ever be happy due to the nature of my disease.
But that does not mean i will be unhappy 24/7. All i need is little windows of feeling happy to get me through. Though i'm tired of trying to explain all this. As certain people tend to think i have become my depression. When in reality depression is a very insidious thing. It does come from within, but it is a distinct state of mind, that is easy to fall into. But extremely difficult though not impossible to get out of. I guess if i cried a bit, i may actually work somethings out.
Though i rarely cry because i feel unable to do so. The tears well up, but they never come pouring out.
Though we are slaves to our emotions, however limited those emotions might be.
I shall now sink into a book to lose myself for a while.
I'm just not feeling much of anything. I spend so much time restraining those craptastic thoughts i also crush my emotions to the point, where i seem unable to connect to them or to other people.
I go through long swathes of time like this. Then i will see or hear something that allows me to reconnect with the emotions or a person. Then i get sucked back down again.
I don't want to be like this, but i know nothing else. Sounds like i'm making excuses. But i'm not really.
I have clear goals, it's just that i'm hazy about the career i want. Until i can figure out that bit, those clear goals remain just out of reach.
My clear goals are:
1. Clear my debts
2. Move out of home
3. Try and gain some form of social life
4. Maybe try and get a date, which might lead to something.
5. If i find a woman made enough to have my babies, i want to have a family.
6. Die a very old and reasonably happy old man.
Well maybe 6 is pushing it a bit. I don't think i'll ever be happy due to the nature of my disease.
But that does not mean i will be unhappy 24/7. All i need is little windows of feeling happy to get me through. Though i'm tired of trying to explain all this. As certain people tend to think i have become my depression. When in reality depression is a very insidious thing. It does come from within, but it is a distinct state of mind, that is easy to fall into. But extremely difficult though not impossible to get out of. I guess if i cried a bit, i may actually work somethings out.
Though i rarely cry because i feel unable to do so. The tears well up, but they never come pouring out.
Though we are slaves to our emotions, however limited those emotions might be.
I shall now sink into a book to lose myself for a while.
gloomy
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