I'm stuck in the tardis

I'm so very bored of life at the moment. Not to the degree where i want to get silly and try and jump into the river again (stupid kevin).

I'm just not feeling much of anything. I spend so much time restraining those craptastic thoughts i also crush my emotions to the point, where i seem unable to connect to them or to other people.
I go through long swathes of time like this. Then i will see or hear something that allows me to reconnect with the emotions or a person. Then i get sucked back down again.
I don't want to be like this, but i know nothing else. Sounds like i'm making excuses. But i'm not really.
I have clear goals, it's just that i'm hazy about the career i want. Until i can figure out that bit, those clear goals remain just out of reach.

My clear goals are:
1. Clear my debts
2. Move out of home
3. Try and gain some form of social life
4. Maybe try and get a date, which might lead to something.
5. If i find a woman made enough to have my babies, i want to have a family.
6. Die a very old and reasonably happy old man.

Well maybe 6 is pushing it a bit. I don't think i'll ever be happy due to the nature of my disease.
But that does not mean i will be unhappy 24/7. All i need is little windows of feeling happy to get me through. Though i'm tired of trying to explain all this. As certain people tend to think i have become my depression. When in reality depression is a very insidious thing. It does come from within, but it is a distinct state of mind, that is easy to fall into. But extremely difficult though not impossible to get out of. I guess if i cried a bit, i may actually work somethings out.
Though i rarely cry because i feel unable to do so. The tears well up, but they never come pouring out.
Though we are slaves to our emotions, however limited those emotions might be.

I shall now sink into a book to lose myself for a while.

This song rocks!
Sober by Tool:-

There's a shadow just behind me,
shrouding every breath I take,
making every promise empty,
pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler
who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path called "must we"
just before the son has come.
Jesus, won't you fucking whistle
something but the past and done?
Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
Why can't we drink forever.
I just want to start things over.
I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
just enough to bring you down.
Trust me.
Mother Mary won't you whisper
something but what's past and done.
Trust me.