I'm stuck in the tardis

Thinking the past 5 years have been a long nightmare. But it is now in the past.
I'm trying to learn the lessons from that peroid to give me the tools to cope better with my mind's frankly worn out condition.

Sometimes i feel as if my body is crumbling, but that strength people tell me i have, is holding me together.
My knee is killing me, though i probably just need to get some exercise in, to help build the muscle strength that i lost from both my legs after going inactive. After a good few years riding bikes around Oxford. Sometimes coming back covered in mud, but slighty happy.

I'm just tired of the fight i have to keep up. Just to function.

The last time i got like that was in 2001. I worked so hard at keeping myself together, that my mind fragmented into many pieces.
And to be honest it still is. I lost the drive i had just before my exams at 16. And i've never really got it back.

I am not complaining, just trying to figure out where to go from here.

I stand on the edge of slipping into the madness again or pulling the fragments of my mind back together and forging ahead with life.

Though right now those damn voices are back and strong. I am managing to ignore them. But it is starting to affect my judgement on small things.

It sounds like i've said this before. But thats the point. I am stuck in ground hog day style event. I can pull myself up out of the madness and start to regain my old self. But then it all goes to crap.

And i am right back where i started. My comfort is through writing. Which goes around in circles because thats the nature of my thought processes.

I want to be the old Kevin. The one who was tough on those who took him for a ride, but extremely kind natured towards those whom have helped him.

But that is a Kevin lost in the fog of my mind.

This machine will
Will not communicate these thoughts and this strain I am under

That lyric reminds me of why i sometimes hate the internet.
I'm ill at the moment, i seem to have picked up some kind of chest infection. I cannot breathe very well.
But i shall solider on with it.

My mind is fragmented and little bit twisted, all aspects of what makes me as a person up, are in conflict with each other.
And the scared boy i was at 11 year old thinks he is in some kind of hell. The memorys start to fade, but the pain never goes away.

Which is probably why i snapped at somebody back in december. Though i was pushed too far by that person.
I can only be pushed so far before i ethier stop talking to that person or i flip my lid in cold fury.
Cold fury it was. I'm not totally blameless in that whole sordid mess. But i was always honest, and from what i could make out that person was far from being honest.
Honesty is perhaps the hardest thing to give. I cloak myself in shadows on the internet. But i open up to a few people, who i would trust my life with, in fact some of them have made me see sense over a certain silly idea i had.

But i think i need to look forward and make something of myself before i'm 30 years old and all alone.......


I just want my nightmare to end. I cannot concentrate on being myself, while i've got a billion things in my head distracting me.
The voices are the most obvious things that stick out.

But it is the constant rush of thoughts and new information i consume that really cripples me.

My brain cannot cope with what i consume from tv, books and music.
I do see patterns in the information and form theorys or views on subjects.

But when there is too much information in my head, the thoughts become too much for me.
I sometimes don't know where i begin and the thoughts end.

I'm scared of it. I don't like it. And the wolves are hunting me down. The enemys within are strong in number and there is only one of me.
But then this where that strength of mine kicks in. But it seems to have gone for the moment.

There is nothing left in my tank for life.

The only escape i have are in books and music. Oh and Doctor Who of course, but thats coming to an end.

What does help me get through all of this are the people i seem to stumble upon via the internet.
I would'nt be around if not for Racquel and Daniela. I know i keep mentioning them. But those two women inspire me to do better.
Both have faced some diffcult times but from afar i can see that they are coming into themselves as people.
As for me i just don't know.

However i'd like to say thanks to Mary for the music she creates with other people. Her voice has some amazingly deep qualitys to it.
No this is not a bad pick up line, though it probably does sound like one.
But it is rare for me to moved to tears by music. It's probably because i've let the floodgates open on my emotions that i tend to keep a tight lid on. But Mary's voice has the same effect Micheal Stipes or indeed Thom Yorke's has on me.
Which is what good music boils down to. Having a postive emotional effect on a person. I really could'nt give a crap about whats pop or whats rap. Music transcends all the labels and genres people try and pin upon it.
Music is food for the soul.
So thanks to those singers and Mary who should keep on singing and writing songs. No matter how long or distant her dream of getting a record deal is.

I think my future lays in the world of computers or working outdoors with plants.

This is a product of my thought disorder. It may give you a sense of how my brain works or you may just think i'm compelety bonkers, but i do not give a rats ass about people that do think i'm bonkers.

I just want my nightmare to end, but by living. I will not take my own life, as i was close to doing a few years back.
I'd rather live through this nightmare and die when it's my time to go. But i will not take my own life because it is a weak thing to do.
I need to sleep so i can recharge my brain cells. But this is me being honest about how my thoughts operate.
After i've got some sleep i think i may write something over a number of days. Because i write best when i do little bits of something.