I'm stuck in the tardis

It's starting to want to turn to the left again and stay there. I'm going to get really really dizzy soon. So i'll have to goto bed and read a book or something. I don't have any idea of why this keeps happening. The worst one was when i walked out of the cinema after seeing the chamber of secrets. I just could'nt walk in a straight line. My sisters had to take hold of me and help walk me home.
I did have some years ago swollen glands, which had the same sort of effect, but i had to crouch down because the pain was so intense.
I could'nt move my neck at all. I don't know. I'm wondering if the problems i had with various antipsychotics has effected my neck. Muscular spasms are not fun. The last med i was on, made my feet and hands move quite a bit. I'm not at all worried about having something wrong with my brain. It's never been normal. I'm going to talk things over with Professor Geddes and Dr Kenyon. I doubt i have a brain tumour or anything. It's probably a further breakdown of my brain chemistry. Stress seems to kick things off. I have no real idea of what i'm doing this year. College is in the pipe line. But that is many many months away. I really can't be arsed to do anything. Depression has hit me hard again. It comes out of no where and i really cannot get myself out of it. While i'm worried about people. I've lost my control. My emotions are all over the place. I feel alone, but i know thats my own god damn fault, and i don't need people telling me i'm a waste of space. My reply to them is, fuck off and look after yourself. I've never really let anyone close to me. No one at all. Racquel and daniela may think they know pretty well. But they don't. It may sound like i've told the whole internet about my problems. But i just skirt around the issues and don't really say whats on my mind. Hence all my rambling posts of late and me being mean to certain people. I get like this. I lash out at everyone. I really don't give a shit about who i upset, when i'm like this. All i really want to do is sleep and never ever wake up again. But thats a very easy way out. Life is a pile of shit sometimes. You just have to tough it out. Though the way i'm feeling at the moment, everything i hold dear is losing it's meaning. I do value my friendships, but i just cannot be bothered sometimes. I do actually say things to keep people away, that piss them off. But that is how i operate. I'm not narrasstic. I don't believe i'm better than anyone else.
Everyone has their own talent/s. I'm just not sure what my talents are now. Apart from causing heart ache, where ever i tend to go.
I hate myself for this. I really need a kick up the old backside. But i need to stand on my own two feet on this.
I have never hidden behind the depression. It controls me. Which is when my so called strength kicks in. And i become myself again. Not the bitter and twisted fucktard. I just cannot be the person i'm meant to be. Not now at any rate. This battle i've been fighting feels like a lost cause. And i'm extremely frustrated by it. I have never been able to form meaningful relationships of any kind. Mainly because according to my cousin, i'm a bastard. Because i know what he's thinking. I don't. He's just a tad predictable. Though to be fair he went without sex for 7 years. Lifes a bitch then you marry one, is what he says. If you can imagine an even more big headed version myself with none of my morals, then thats my cousin, minus depression etc. He smokes cannibas too much and i think all those magic mushrooms he's consumed over the years is effecting his brain. Ah well never touch anything that grows in cow shit.
I'm starting get dizzy. I feel a bit better now after this. I tend to rant online, it's a poor reflection of what i'm like in person. I hardly speak at all. I don't feel like i belong anywhere. For now Harry Potter and music will to do. And i'm restricting my access to my meds (what i have left over). The way i am right now, anything will push me off the cliff. Which will probably be the middle of next week.
I am getting even more angry at four eyes, it looks like he's won his mind games with my sister, about her getting abortion. However my GP and the senior GP have stuck there noses in. I doubt the NHS will perform the abortion on my sister. She is blind to everything other than four eyes. He is an utter git. If he ever shouts at my mum and points his finger at her. I'm going to knock his lights out. I still might, i hate bullys. I can spot them a mile off.
I must sound like a complete loon, but i no longer care. All the anger thats been building over the last year is coming to a head. Which means i will probably hurt myself, with the old head into the wall trick. I only fear one thing. And thats losing my marbles like i am right now. Anyway don't fret if i'm don't appear to be around. I shall out an email if i decide to go offline. Oh and Racquel check your gmail account, not the redtu..... one. Anyway i'm going. I do not want Joshua to see my like this. The poor kid gets frightend when people shout. I can see why though. The way his mother rough handled him when he threw a tantrum at his birthday party. There was no need for it. She should make sure he gets enough sleep, and not being a lazy cow. She allows him to wander around apprently, while she stays in bed.

Oh some good news. My cousin Alyson has finally given birth. To a very healthy baby girl. She came out of hospital yesterday. Alyson that is, she had a rough labour. The baby girl was about a week or two over due.