I'm stuck in the tardis

I've not got the flu, my lower torso feels like it's on fire. I'm going to have to take the medication i was given and if that doesn't help, then i'm going back to the doctors, but i'm going to see doctor Kenyon this time if i can get into see him of course.

And i feel like the barriers i've put in place to protect myself from those demons in my mind, have started to break down.
I'm all over the place. I don't feel suicidal yet.

But it feels different from my usual whinging about my depression. Something has snapped in my mind.
I cannot control anything in my head. The voices are deafening and the thoughts are confusing me.

The last time i did feel ok was when i met christy, which i'm grateful for.

As for getting better ? I really can't see a way out of the rut i'm in. Sure i could get a job and coast along like a zombie and then end up trying to kill myself, just please other people. Who seem to think i get off on being depressed. But i do not.
Unless you've had depression or some other form of mental illness, then lay people really can't comment about it nor demand that a person does something because it will make them feel better and so on.

I want to be rid of this black dog sitting on my shoulder, i want to have a job that i can enjoy and pay my own way in life.
But the depression is smothering the life out of me. It is not a way of life or something to embrace. Far from it, you spend so much energy fighting it, you lose all intrest in other things. So on the surface it might appear like i enjoy being depressed. But i fucking don't.
I want to be normal like everyone else, to not have a mind that is so fucked up i can't even remember what happend a few hours ago unless i think about it really hard, which makes me tired.

My mind is fragmented, i'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of a lot of things in life. Death is not one of them, as it is a natural progression of cell biology. As to what happends after death, no point worrying about it untill it happens. One should enjoy life the best they can while treating others fairly and to not hold grudges against those people who you think have wronged you.

I'm tired of being the way i am, there does not appear to be any light at the end of the tunnel. But nor do i want to give up on life. Which is a sea change from 4 or 5 years ago, when all i wanted was to die and fall into a void of not remembering who or what i was.
I do have some strengths, but i am not a very strong person in the sense that i let some people walk all over me.

I'm slighty lala on sleeping pills and this has been a stream of random and fucked up thoughts from a very insecure and above all else tiny person in the grand scheme of things.

Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day. There lays my hope and my strength to carry on fighting my demon's.

Kevin - 1 vs Mind gremlins - 9

They win this round.

And my music recommendation for this month is not something by Radiohead *mock shock horror*
But for people to give Sigur Ros new album a go. it's called takk and is quite soothing, even if sigur ros don't sing in english. The music is a beautiful thing, like Kid A is but in a different way.

I'm lost at sea
Don't bother me
I've lost my way