I'm stuck in the tardis

How many thoughts can my mind contain before it cracks?

The simple answer would be that not much can tip the balance between my sanity and going a bit mental. Even the smallest little piece of information will kick start a flashback to a memory I have long pressed to suppress into oblivion.
But if I could erase my memory I would lose my rationality of learning from my experiences.
That which does not kill you, can only make you stronger as the phrase goes.

Now let’s take my fierce need/desire/compulsion to consume information of all sorts.
I find comfort in reading books, fiction or non fiction.
My mind can usually connect the dots between different pieces of information. I can almost taste the information if you will. But then something will throw a spanner into the works and my mind will start to crack. My carefully built barriers to keep my inner demons in check start to crumble.

And then the madness takes over. Flashbacks to certain memories flood into my mind.
Then the dark shadow that lurks in my mind starts to take bites at my self esteem.
Depression the paradoxical beast in my nature.

I don’t think I’d be as intelligent as I appear to be, without it.
But the price to be paid is a high one. Some days I just wish I never had to go through the pain of depression. It is somewhat elusive to explain to people who haven’t suffered from depression or the very worst kind which I and countless other people suffer from. Who have a much better grip on the problem?

Thoughts feed into my emotions and vice versa. I take great pride in the fact I am in touch with my emotions most of the time. It’s just that when my barriers break down, I lose my carefully controlled balance over thought and emotion. Both are linked, but need to be balanced, to maintain some form of harmony.

At the moment I have hundreds of thoughts running through my head. So many in fact I think those carefully crafted barriers are breaking down once again.

So enter chaos my greatest enemy. There are no external enemies in reality.
My perception of the world is reality. Which I process using my brain.
Therefore the enemies reside inside the mind. Chipping away at the person who wants to break free from the bonds that have been placed upon him. That person is the light that always manages to gain some control only to be between back down again.

I am not my depression; I can see the light even during the worst periods of my life. Even when I have contemplated suicide a voice stirs inside me and says “Take control of the thoughts, you control them, not the other way around”.

But I am very weary of the battle that I have fought over the last decade. But not ready to throw the towel in just yet. As long as I see that light that is me, then I won’t give up.
I shall keep on picking myself up. Even if I don’t get better, than I will be damned if I’m going to take the cowards way out. I shall fight the hold the thoughts have on me, until the day I breathe my last.
Perhaps death will bring peace or perhaps it is a state of being unaware of what you once were.
But that is a day a long way off, I hope.

I lost the train of my thoughts, but that is what happens when you have the amount of thoughts running through my head.