I'm stuck in the tardis

I'm bored as usual. The detuned radio effect is back again. But thats more to do with the medication i'm on.
I'm grateful for the small break. I was really losing myself in the fog of my mind for a while there.
I'm just extremely bored. I could get rid of the boredom by going back to college. But the problem with college is, i have no fucking idea what i want to do. Computers do actually bore me to tears. I don't want to be stuck in some office working on a computer all day.
I don't really know. And thats feeding my depression again. When i don't have any direction then i get very depressed.
Even when i do have direction or something to aim for. The depression is always there. Self doubts and the feeling that nobody likes me. And that they just talk to me, to humour me. I'm really not sure what i want out of life.
I haven't been intrested in anything much for years. Ever since i was 16 in fact. I've drifted through life, half awake. Not really being aware of what i've done to myself or others. I tend to bottle things up, as i don't feel i can trust anyone. I can't talk to my mum, as i've put her through enough crap with me refusing to goto school. Just so i could escape the bullys.
I've opened upto a few people. Daniela is one of them. But i'm holding back with her and the other people who i do trust.
It's the way i work. I get close to people and then push them away by being mean to them or just being a twat.
I don't mean to be. I just can't relate to anyone. I feel alone. And that is all my fault.
I've shut myself off for so long, i don't know what it feels like to have friends, that actually like me for what i am.
Daniela and co have been great. But i've not really seen them that often. I don't like being in london. There are far too many people around and the pollution makes breathing difficult for me. Add in my natural nervousness and paranoia. And i don't say much or i just talk crap about nothing important. I can't be myself. I'm more myself in Oxford. I do talk a bit too much sometimes, but thats usually to shut people up whom i'd rather not speak to at all. Like Rachel's friend, who annoys the hell out of me. I do feel sorry for her, losing her baby and all. But shes still annoying as hell. I can't think properly with her around. Shes loud and obnoxious. Then Rachel has a go because i'm downstairs and watching the tv. I'm not allowed to be downstairs watching the tv or dvds ? She gets angry when i turn over UKgold. Watching some crap like Holby city. Shes seen it before. I really can't win with her. Shes my annoying little sister. Who's music taste is worse than a 13 year olds. I'm slighty angry with myself right now. I'm moaning about my crappy life. When people have it much worse than i do. I don't actually moan that much in Oxford. My sense of humour is often very dry, if not morbid. But thats my pessimistic side coming out. Ah well i shall learn to like myself one day. The thing is, i don't think i've ever liked myself.
I don't feel as if i fit in anywhere. And i highly doubt i'll get a girlfriend, now that i've lost most of my front teeth.
I feel sorry for myself as usual. But i do care about other people. Even when i'm lost in the fog that is my mind. My inner will kicks in and i try and help people the best i can. Some people however just annoy the hell out of me. And i'm not at all nice to them. Even when i seem to be. I'm an idiot sometimes. Next up is the kidney X-ray. Theres probably nothing wrong with it. Well nothing that some water drinking can't sort out. But it'll be bloody typical if there is something wrong. Kidney stones probably. Which are extremely painful things to get rid of. Ah well thats my rant over with. It's been building for a few months. I really don't feel with it.
And i've probably gone over this stuff before. But thats the problem of being trapped in my head. It's the same self doubts over and over again.